Wasn’t expecting to write this. Cf week was meant to be about my life. But this isn’t really about me. And I have tried to make the blog work, this week, and last few months I think there’s been a voice in my head telling me it won’t work. I need a proper break.
This is the easiest blog I’ve written all week, all year, I’ve wanted to talk about something that happened to me years ago, for a while now. Here goes (some heavy stuff, cyber harassment which readers may or may not know about, not fully explained either for my own sake. and just so you know, i am ok, I have people to talk to, so I will be ok)
I’ve never officially said I am taking a blogging break, or a social media one, until now. I really really need one, I just don’t know how it will work yet. Because some of my best friends I speak to online. I use email for work, WhatsApp for work, Facebook messenger for work, twitter for work (need to stop using twitter so much) All I know is I need to use my phone a lot less.
I am a disciplined, well balanced person, so I’ve been told. I don’t feel like it today. I feel so vulnerable, so fragile, so unsure of myself and what the future holds. I’m so scared and embarrassed to tell you all on the blog. I need a break.
And who cares? I don’t know, but I reckon people do. I’m still online, I’m going to reply to people, just less. Not instantly. It might take me a day. I might not even be busy. I’m just overwhelmed. I don’t know what to say. I read your message when I was eating lunch, and I got distracted. I’m sorry.
I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, all summer, not until September at the earliest. I am not posting a blog, not writing a blog, I have so many notes, on my computer, email, folders, note tabs. Physical notebooks, scraps of paper. This is my life, this is my writing, this is how I write. It is messy so so messy, my whole life is a mess. I feel like a control mechanism of mine is a way of coping is to be organised, and yes I am very organised and goodness knows how I juggle everything.
Now I realise I can’t. I need a break. The longest break I’ve ever had. I’ve been studying for 6 years on and off at uni, and now I finally love my course. So that is my first break. I’m going to read on the environment for myself, if I want, and take it from there.
I really want to come back to the blog. I just know I can’t just yet. This wasn’t the end of cf week I was thinking of, planning all week, struggling so much with. However, it is, and this feels so right. So easy. I can’t talk about cf right now.
Because everytime I try, it reminds me of when someone called my a cystic fibrosis bitch in an anonymous text. And I am tired of tiptoeing around that fact. That person harassed me online on several social media platforms for over 2 years on and off, it started in sixth form, continued at university. I thought they went away but someone has been harrasing me this year again on my Instagram account, which I have since made private. I hate that it came to this. They haven’t won, but I need a break for myself. To try and deal with it all. Because that is seven years of denying how I felt about it, feeling like it didn’t matter because I wasn’t physically abused or raped, it all happened online. But it does matters, and it makes me cry that I’ve not let myself get really angry and upset about it. Told more people. Told the police when it mattered. Because I don’t have all the evidence any more. It’s my word against his/theirs. I still don’t know who did it. Or who continued to cause me anxiety and grief. I don’t worry about it every single day, but this year it got worse (last year, last summer, I wrote a piece for an APPG and went to houses of Parliament on the impact of social media use in young people and mental health, writing that took weeks and took it all out of me. Maybe that was the start. And again, last october/December, some more online harassment, I won’t take about that. Paranoia made me think it was the same person but I don’t think it was)
And I tried to use social media platform more to tell them that it didn’t bother me, that I won’t let them get to me. But I think it’s made me feel worse, hiding under a mask that doesn’t feel right. I need a seperate account that’s public, another that’s private. So I’m not quitting because of them.
I’m quitting because I need to get off my phone a bit. I’m still around. Just not as much. And I won’t be replying straight away anymore. I hope you all can understand. Thank you.